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March 11 害怕一个人总会突然有脆弱的时候.
半夜,一阵剧烈的绞痛把我痛醒,
讽刺的是,当时是一个恶梦.
梦里,心被撕碎,痛得不能呼吸,
现实是身体不能承受的绞痛,
当小腹痛到几乎痉挛,
我只能蜷缩在床上默默地流泪.
突然一阵害怕.
害怕一个人冰冷地疼死在这个陌生的国土.
黑夜里的我是脆弱的,
当人在极度痛苦的时候,
原来想要的东西是很简单的,
一杯热开水已经觉得很满足...
原来,人的意志也是顽强的,
还是能慢慢等到天亮,
慢慢地熬到绞痛的舒缓.
天亮了,
无论黑夜里的我多么脆弱,
还是得站起来,
整理行囊,
继续生活...... 完美《公主复仇记》里说，
"这个世界根本没有公主,
只有巫婆,
或者自以为是公主的巫婆."
公主是完美的,
凡人是不完美的,
当一个女孩自认为是公主时,
一定有一个自以为是王子的王八蛋,
给女孩编织了一个完美公主的梦.
但是,王八蛋在巧妙地编织公主梦时,
并没说明他就是王子,
也没说明他其实是王八蛋.
于是,当他面露无辜地扯碎公主梦时,
女孩便狠狠地摔了下来,
摔得粉身碎骨,
摔得撕心裂肺,
摔得面目狰狞...
终于,成为完美的巫婆.
March 10 颜色今天的心情是黑色,
打开衣柜看到的也是灰黑色,
郁闷的发现,
在澳洲,
我逐渐失去了生活的颜色.
鲜艳的颜色曾经是吸引我购买的主要原因,
包包可以是湖蓝,红,菊黄,明黄,
裤子有鲜黄,紫红,湖蓝
鞋子也有浅绿,粉紫,卡其,甚至红色,
衣服几乎可以在衣柜里找到每种颜色.
澳洲的生活细细的把我的颜色抹去,
换上黑色和灰色.
制服是黑色,
太阳镜是黑色,
包包是黑色,
头发也回归成最纯净的黑色.
似乎黑色把我保护得很好,
成为安全的学生,
成为勤奋的员工,
成为沉默的行人,
我不介意暂时让黑色把我包围,
因为我以为会有粉红色的,甜蜜的未来.
今天,这个未来似乎太遥远了,
遥远得让我厌倦了安慰自己,
遥远得让我动摇了坚持,
遥远得逼问自己,究竟为了什么.
于是,我把粉红色找了出来,
当我戴上粉红色的Bra,
看到从墨镜中反射的身影,
那一霎,发现我可以再拥有这粉红色的美丽,
不需要等遥远的未来,
不需要卑贱的坚持,
不需要漫长的等待...
我想,是时候开始挣脱无尽的黑色了.
March 04 Too fast to live, too young to die 我对时间越来越没概念了, 当提到几月几日或者下星期几的时候,对于我像是几亿光年之外的事情,我还停留在今天,或者昨天. 每天的学习和工作的急促让我无法计算时间,因为我还没完全消化今天,时间已经消逝了.看书需要时间,作业需要时间,打工需要时间,坐车需要时间.早上睁开眼睛就在赶时间,从早上8点多出门到凌晨12点半回到家,一天就过去了....我是生活在未来的时间,却停留在过去的概念.
时间对于我们来说,究竟有什么意义.我的老板从早到晚守在店里,一天天,一年年;我爸爸起早贪黑的守在工厂里,一天天,一年年;转眼已经大半辈子过去了.
我开始害怕时间,害怕没有时间概念的消耗时间.
或者要问,我们要用时间来做什么.我们用一支烟,一柱香来计算时间;经济学里用机会成本来计算时间;但是我们用这些时间来做的事情对于我们有什么意义呢?为了钱吧,也许.可是有了钱,却没了大半辈子.当我们老态龙钟的时候,钱可以买回时间吗?!
听说因为气候的改变,也许在100年后,地球上90%的人类会消失.在这个不远的将来,当人类面临灭亡,钱有什么用呢?我们的贪欲在连生存条件都无法保证的时候,还会那么嚣张吗?时间对于我们来说,还是用来赚钱的成本吗?
July 04 西塘游记这是一个星期内第二次来到西塘，弥补了第一次的行色匆匆，没拍照片的遗憾。 来到浙江最大的感受是随便一个小地方都蕴藏着厚重的历史，这是我等南蛮深感意外的地方。西塘，春秋时期伍子胥屯兵之地，古称胥塘，在宋代开始兴旺，明代建市镇至今已有千年历史。曾是富足之地，有家过半塘的江宅，里面现仍能住下47户人家；有几世为官的王宅，游人必去的石皮弄，种福堂就是出自这家。可昔日的大户今天只有空门，一是避战而迁出海外；一是吸食鸦片而家道中落，贫苦而终，只留下高墙深院，石砖木梁诉说着往日的辉煌。
西塘是一个含蓄的地方，最初大户人家为了隐财而将自己掩饰在深窄的巷子里，渐渐其它的房屋也沿袭这个风格，形成一条条的弄,现在进西塘要经过西园边上的弄堂。穿过弄堂如同穿越陶渊明笔下那条接连桃源和俗世之间的暗道, 进去之后豁然开朗, 来到西塘主街---西街。与外面凌乱的乡村市镇不同，里面的西塘由两条主要的水路分割成东西两个区域，环绕在水边有长长的廊棚，形成烟雨长廊。乌蓬船，戏台，拱桥。家家户户临水而居。如非周末，镇里只有少数的一些摄影爱好者和背包客会过来，整个西塘安静得可以听见风声，水流声。我们住在一家带小阳台的客栈, 正对着戏台.傍晚, 红色的灯笼亮起, 连成一串挂在廊棚下, 伴着软软的越戏, 一壶黄酒, 一盘小菜, 使人深深的陶醉在这梦一般的水乡里……
这里一天是从早上5点开始,晚上9点基本就要结束了.来西塘之前, 我已经很久很久没接触过清晨的阳光了, 在这里遇见清晨上学的小童, 在河边刷马桶的大婶, 升煤炉的大叔, 还有一群惊慌失措的小鸭.突然感觉在这样的旅游小镇里, 有一种生活的朴实, 生活的平淡.我想很多人来西瑭要找的就是这种感觉吧
July 03 I Knew This People有一段电影对白,也许能告诉我们为什么相爱的人会分开.这段可以说是独白的对话出自电影《PARIS，TEXAS》，中文是《德克萨斯州的巴黎》。我一直以为,两个相爱的人,只要有爱存在,就永远不会分开.而我却忽略了,人心的磨练,会直到歇斯底里：他们还爱着对方，却时刻都想逃离对方...
不知道那个介绍我看这个电影的那个人会不会很巧合的看到这篇文章，如果看到了，他会笑。但我写，是因为，我听了，会心酸而泣......
HE: I knew this people,this two people.....They were in love with each other.The girl was..very young...about 17,or18 I guess.And the guy was..quiet a bit older.He was kind of raggedy and wild,and she was very beautiful,you know? ...And together they turned everything into a... kind of an adventure,and she liked that.. Just an ordinary trip down to the grocery store was full of adventure.They were always laughing at stupid things.He liked to make her laugh..And..they didn't much care for anything else, cause all they wanted to do was to be with each other.They were always together,and he,he loved her more than...he ever felt possible.He couldn't stand being away from her,during the day,when he went to work.....So he quit.Just be home with her.Then he got another job when the money was ran out..And then he quit again.But pretty soon she started to worry.
SHE: About what?
HE: Money,I guess.Not having enough,not knowing when the next cheque was coming in.
SHE:Ye..p.I know that feeling.
HE: So he started to get some kind of torn inside.
SHE: How do you mean?
HE: Well,he knew had to work to suport her.But he couldn't stand being away from her either.
SHE:..I see...
HE: And the more he was away from her,the crazier he got.except now,he got really crazy.he started to imagining all kinds of things.
SHE:About what?
HE:He started thinking that she was seeing other men on the sly.He come home from the work and accuse her..spending the day with some body else.He yell at her and break things in the trailer.
SHE:Trailer....?
HE: ...Yes,they live in a trailer home.Anyway,he started to drink real bad.He stayed out late to test her,to see if she would get jealous.He wanted her to get jealous.but she didn't.She just worried about him.but that got him even madder.He thought that if she never got jealous of him,she didn't really care about him.Jealousy was a sign of her love for him...and then one night...
(music starts here...and he starts to speak fluently..)
One night, she told that she was pregnant,she was about 3,4months' pregnant.and he didn't even know.And then suddenly everything changed.He stop drinking,got a steady job. He was convinced that she loved him now because she was carrying his child.And he was going to dedicate himself to making a home for her.But the funny thing started to happen.He didn't even notice it at first.She started to change.From the day the baby was born,she began to get irritated at everything arround her.She get mad at everything,even the baby seemed to be an injustice to her.He kept driving to make everthing alright for her,buy her things,take her out to dinner once a week.But nothing seemed to satisfied her.For two years,he struggled..to hold them back together liked they were when they frist met...But finally,he knew..that it was never gonna work out...So he hit the bottle again.But this time...he got mean...This time when he came home late at night, she wasn't worry about him,or jealous,she was just enraged...
She accused him of holding captive her and making her have a baby.She told him her dreaming about the escaping,that was all she dreamed about..the escape. She saw herself at night running naked down the highway, running across fields,running down river beds,always running...And always just when she was about to get away,he'd be there...He would stop her or somehow...he would just appear and stop her.And when she told him these dreams..he believed them.He knew she had to be stopped,or she'd leave him forever...So he tied the cow bell to her ankle,so he could hear at night if she tried to get out of bed.But she learned how to muffle the bell by stuffing a sock in it.and inching her way out of the bed and into the night.He caught her one night when the sock fell out and he heard her trying to run to the highway.He caught her and dragged her back to the trailer and tied her to the stove..with his belt .He just left her there,went back to bed and lay there,listening to her scream...and he listened to his son's scream...then he surprised himself because he didn't feel anything anymore...all he wanted to do was sleep...and for the first time he wished he were far away...lost in a deep vast country where nobody knew him...Somewhere without language,the streets.And he dreamed about this place without knowing its name.
And when he woke up,he was on fire.There were blue flames burning the sheets of his bed.He ran through the flames toward the only two people he loved.But they were gone...
his arms were burning,and he threw himself outside.and rolled on the wet ground,then he ran...he never looked back the fire....He just ran....He ran until the sun came up...and he couldn't run any further.And when the sun went down,he ran again....For five days he ran liked this
Until every sign of man had disappeared....
这段对白在这部电影的网站有收录.把它听写下来,逐字逐句体会,需总耗时7个小时... |
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